I firmly believe that it is God's love that is giving me so much peace in regards to my Grandpa's death. I'm not hysterical, I'm not crying all day, I don't have thoughts of "what if?", I don't feel any guilt and I'm functioning at almost a normal level. I would simply equate any malfunctioning to lack of sleep and having a high spirited 2 year old.
This is the first time that I've experienced death as an adult. I lost my great-grandma when I was around 7, but I really didn't have a concept of what that meant and my parents didn't involve us in the funeral. Nate is going to be completely involved with the funeral and burial activities. I will probably be toddler wearing him at the graveside burial. To me it is important that he is a part of it. It's also a necessity since all of our family will be there. I also think that part of my attachment parenting philosophy is that my child is 100% a part of our family. He's not going to go to a sitter just to make it easier for me.
I also want to involve Nate because his great-grandpa really loved him. Nate already has a love for music and I'm hoping he will be just as talented as Grandpa. He already holds his kid size guitar like a stand up bass sometimes. I wish he could have spent more time with him. They got together 4 times in Nate's short life; for a visit at Amy's temporary home in Christiansburg, for Nate's 1st birthday party, for Grandpa's 80th birthday party, and for last July 4th. I know Nate probably won't have memories of his great-Grandpa, but there are pictures and we can always pop in a Country gentleman cd.
Amy is helping to clean out Grandpa's living space. She texted me that Grandpa had kept every card and picture that I had sent him. It fills my heart that a man of few words and most likely few possessions cherished all of those little notes. I'm sad that I can't be there to help, but I do believe that God had special timing for all of this. Amy got home for spring break on Thursday night. Dad made it to see Grandpa on Saturday before he passed away. Amy was also halfway to where dad was and was able to continue on to see him on Sunday. I know that I'm a bigger help up here supporting my mom, helping get the house straight, communicating things to our pastor, and still taking care of Nate.
Grandpa's funeral is scheduled for Saturday night. We will head down to Grundy on Friday. Then there will most likely be a graveside burial in Northern VA on Monday. It's going to be a long, emotional, and tiring weekend. There are places in Grundy that hold special memories for us; Magic Mart, a park we would visit, my great-aunts house. I hope to find time to visit those places. I feel like that's a way that I can honor Grandpa.
I love Grandpa and I will miss him. I am so thankful to have gotten to know him, no matter how odd our relationship was at times. I'm so grateful that Nate got to spend some time with him. He was a truly talented and loving man who is probably playing music in heaven now.
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